In my previous blog post, I share with you how to create a RIE®-inspired where your infant can explore and move freely. In this article, I’ll explore ways to help your child form positive associations with that space.
“I can’t get my baby to enjoy floor time,” “they hate being on the floor,” or “I set up a play area, but they won’t use it”—these are common frustrations among parents. Before addressing these issues, let’s make sure we’re on the same page by differentiating between "floor time" and "safe space."
“My baby hates to be on the floor” or “hates floor time” or “I created a play area for them and they still don’t like it.” These are all common parent complains. Before we delve into what may be happening, let's first make sure that we are talking about the same thing. I differentiate between "floor time" and "safe space".
"Floor Time" versus "Safe space":
Parents usually use the term "floor time" to indicate spending some time with their infants on the floor anywhere in the household. It sounds more like a scheduled session, like "tummy time", than a way of life. The Safe Space concept in the Educaring® approach (aka RIE®) of course entails spending time on the floor. But there's more to it than that. It's a warm, calm, cozy, cognitively challenging environment that is 100% safe for an infant to move freely and engage with different play objects or with their caregivers if they choose to. It's the space where infants and toddlers spend MOST of their awake time when they are indoor (it's glorious to also have an outdoor safe space) and when all their caregiving needs are met. It's almost like a little house within a house with the loveliest conditions just for your baby who is given total ownership of that space. Your infant is more likely to appreciate being on the floor if you approach their time there through the lens of "Safe Space" rather than "floor time". That said, if you created a safe space for you infant/toddler and they don't like being in it, here's what may be happening:
Your baby is not filled up with you
We leave our children in their safe spaces after we are sure they are filled up with us and that all of their caregiving needs are met. The safe space is not intended to be an area where we "park babies" while we get other things done. Of course emergencies come up and it’s okay to put your baby every now and then in their safe space when you need to attend to something urgent like running to the bathroom and it’s okay for your baby to be upset if you leave for a short time. But if you only use the safe space during these instances, your baby won’t, understandably, have positive associations with it and think "that's the place where I get left at when I become inconvenient".
The safe space is also not about getting babies to “toughen up” or to “learn independence”. What we are after is interdependence. The safe space is a concept that emerged out of respect for infants’ inborn curiosity and desire to move freely and explore their developmentally appropriate environments. Our infants and toddlers need to get enough contact with us before we can place them, with care, respect, and attention, on the floor. The safe space isn't really "safe" if our children don't have feel relational safety towards us.
You rush the transition into their safe space
I have been there and I saw other caregivers do that. I sometimes rushed placing N in his safe space without going slowly and watching my steps. I also saw, usually dads, swing their babies in the air and do the 1, 2, 3 hop thing as if the baby is about to jump in the playpen before they put them there. I understand that this is our adult lens of "making things fun and interesting". However, this can make babies really nervous even if they laugh! Slowing down and using less stimulation gives them the time to process every moment of their day.
You don’t tell your baby when you leave their sightwhile they are in their safe space
Disappearing unannounced from babies’ sight makes them anxious and makes it hard for them to develop a secure separateness and thus think of the safe space as a cage where they don’t know what’s coming next! Even before my son could understand any language, I always told him since day 1 at his birth hospital "I'm going to the restroom and I will be back in a few minutes." At some point he must have gotten the message that "when she utters some words then leaves my sight, she always comes back. I can rely on her."
You skip sensitive of observation:
Dedicating at least 10 minutes a day of sensitive observation of our children in their safe spaces without any interruption allows us to understand what interests them and how to keep the space cognitively challenging for them with just the right amount of provocation.Is their grasp palmer? Then maybe you can place a cotton napkin there. Is it pincer? Then maybe you can add a pinch bowl. Are they into stacking objects these days? Then maybe we can provide stacking cups or cubes. Are they crawling more quickly and confidently now? Maybe they need a bigger space. Are they more confident climbing the Pikler Triangle that you placed in a corner in the safe space? Then maybe you can move it to the middle of the safe space so they can cross over it. The safe space is supposed to evolve with the development of the infant. The crib is the perfect safe space for a newborn but it’s not for a 4 months old. 3 play objects are enough for a 4 months old but a 9 months old may need (or not, it depends) at least 3 groupings of play objects (a stack of measuring cups is 1 grouping). At 8 months my baby started rocking the panels of his playpen clearly indicating that it’s time to expand it! Observe your infant to tailor the space for their individual needs.
You don’t like being in your baby’s safe space
I’ve been there. I disliked being in N’s space space at the begining because I didn’t like sitting on the floor. As a consequence, I used to rush the process of placing him in the safe space and didn’t even feel like using it at all! The solution for me was simple, getting a well padded floor chair. Since then, I started LOVING being in N’s safe space and I think he knows it! I think that infants and children want to be in spaces that their role models like.
You introduced the safe space a little late than ideal (it’s okay if you did)
The first thing that comes to my mind here is Magda Gerber’s words “what children get, they come to expect, and eventually need.” Infants need time on their backs in a crib or on the floor from the very beginning. If they were most of the time held, “worn”, or put in any type of contraption, they are most likely to find the sensation of being on their backs unusual and would depend on the habits they were introduced to and eventually “need” them. If you introduced a safe space since birth, your infant is most likely to feel comfortable being in that space until they outgrow it.
Your baby lacks regular outdoor time
"Children feel better, do better, and look better outdoor." Magda Gerber. Your baby needs outdoor free play in nature. In a perfect world, you have an outdoor safe space for your baby where they have access to nature. In fact, if the weather is great most of the time where you live and the environment is calm, it's preferable for your baby to spend most of their time outdoor in a shaded area surrounded by greenery. If you don't have a yard or a balcony, make sure to take your baby out everyday to a nearby garden. The indoor safe space is not a replacement for fresh air and nature. When I say take your baby out, I mean to a place where they can be moving freely on the ground. I don't mean "taking a walk" with your baby where you are the only one walking and they are in a constraint apparatus like a stroller or a carrier. Of course it's fine to take "these walks" if YOU need them.
You feel uncertain about the concept of a safe space
Babies smell doubt a mile away. If you see the safe space as constraining your "child's exploration of the world", they will know and agree with you. If the safe space concept is not for you, then it isn't. There's nothing wrong with that. If you are on the fence and want to think about it more, I invite you to meditate on these questions then make up your mind about how to proceed. Whose world does the child need to explore? Could this be an adult projection rather than an authentic infant need? How can a person feel free to explore if they are not 100% safe on their own and need to have an adult hover over them all the time to keep them safe? How can the hovering send the child a message to be confident in assessing risk?
My impression is that in the Educaring approach there's no rush to have infants explore the world of adults in its entirety from the very beginning. Here I actually agree with my teachers that this would be overstimulating and developmentally inappropriate since EVERYTHING is new for a baby and they need down time to process everything they are taking in. How can that happen if an infant is like a mobile device in the adult's world?
Okay, so now what? Here are my recommendations for you if you are interested in having a successful safe space experience:
A fresh start!
If you introduced the safe space late, maybe tell you baby at bedtime how their day will look like tomorrow and tell them that you will spend time together in their play space. “Tomorrow you and I will spend a lot of time together in your playpen. We can read together. I can watch you while you explore all your play objects. And when we are done, we will put all your toys away and tuck in the dolls to sleep.”
Genuine apology and repair
I did many of the things I mentioned above and it’s okay if you did too. Just apologize to your baby and start anew. I think I apologize to N at least once day about something! “I’m sorry I ran quickly like that without letting you know.” “I’m sorry I started preparing your food when you were already hungry and upset so you had to wait for me and cry while I prepare your food. I promise to do better next time.”
Introduce a “Wants Nothing Time”
Magda Gerber coined the term “Wants Nothing Time” which is a time of the day where at least one primary caregiver sits with the infant in their safe and observes them deeply without any expectations or demands. That’s a time where you don’t need to do change, diaper, feed your baby or even demonstrate to them "how to play with a toy" or entertain them in anyway. It’s literally a time where you can give yourself the gift of silence, relax, and witness your perfect baby without any teaching or fixing, or join their play plan if (and only if) they invite you.
Prepare a provocative invitation for your baby before you bring them into the safe space
Your baby is more likely to find their safe space interesting if it’s set up before you bring them in. Sensitive observation will guide you on how to simply prepare the space with play objects that are challenging enough for your infant’s developmental stage.
Design the safe space in a way that makes YOU love being in it
Make sure you are physically and emotionally comfortable in your baby’s safe space. Maybe you need a BackJack floor chair on the floor. Maybe you need to be close to sunlight. Maybe you prefer calm colors to be dominant (a less loud color palette also helps your baby relax and concentrate).
Place your baby in their safe space with love, patience, and respect
Make sure that your baby fills up with you. Hug your baby if they want that while walking into their safe space with them. Mindfully and slowly tell them that you will sit on the floor. Keep them in your arms while you are on the floor. Tell them that you will place them their on their back. Wait (very important step). Wait for some sort of response from your baby. A sound, a movement, an eye look. Wait for a sign from them. Then slowly place them on their back in their safe space. If they can crawl already, you can keep them on your lap and let them decide when to venture off to explore all the cognitively challenging play objects that you set up for them. Observe you baby in silence for a while. Get curious about what they are doing. What is their plan of play? What are they interested in? How is their gross motor movement different today from yesterday? Are they interested in having you join their play? What cues did they send you to indicate that?
When your infant shows signs of discomfort, provide your warm and calm presence. You can get closer to them and gently rub their core and tell them in an authentically empathetic voice “I’m here”. You can also pick them up if you think that's what they are asking for.
Tell your baby when you want to leave their safe space
Get at your baby’s level, bring your face close to theirs and tell them “I’m going to leave now and go to …. I will be back when….” Wait for a cue that what you told them has landed then slowly get up and walk away. Watch your steps as you step in and step out of their safe space. When you come back, go back at your baby’s level and tell them “I’m back.” This is one way of building secure attachment with your baby. They know what to expect. They know when you leave and they know that you always come back.
Clean up in front of your baby
Show your gratitude to your child’s safe space by making a habit of putting the play objects away in front of them. Place every item in front of them slowly in a basket in a way that allows them to scan your every movement and say what you are doing. Your child will feel your authenticity and one day, they will help clean up just like you.
I hope these ideas are seen as acts of nurturing care rather than “tips and tricks.” May we thrive all to approach caregiving with respect, patience, and love.
